Home in my Kitchen 

Fight Within 

Bottle

Figuratively speaking a bottle is a negative load of nothing in our house. This bottle is a seductress who challenges our sanity, taunts our ph balance. 

This object of desire usurps my authority & the integrity of my nature constantly. She is an evil who drives a wedge between love of & love for anyone who matters. She is constant in her temptation, she is relentless, stroking an ego so insecure, that I wish at times that bottle I could smash & strike a blow so bloody it’s presence would frighten the day-lights out of my love, who cannot after much trying, find the willpower to fight against its power. For the contents of a bottle holds such confidence for a weak, bold, anguished soul that the fight this family has at staying together is reaching a fragile state. Children caught in the middle of substance abuse are emotionally neglected by the family who struggle daily to have peace, so longed for, that it keeps you wide awake in your dreams when you see the destruction of morals, of bounderies, of responsibility & accountability for actions you can deny in your wake from slumber induced by a body no longer capable of binging on that bravado of the bottle that’s been your friend for eons. A friend who holds your hand in a remorse no longer believed. 

It is sad that the norm is a taste I can no longer take, it makes us nauseous just the reek on a breath, it turns a once lovely home into a battlefield of will…

 

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Grab your Dreams

Distant

I popped in to get perspective.

A sabbatical is a holiday away from routine, from work right? To rest, gather yourself & start anew? This could last anything between 2 months & a year. 

Now what happens if you do this & your family has to suffer? The very women you insult & oppress, curb, ridicule, cage in? They feed our family. They toil hopelessly in love with their fare, waiting patiently to reach a target. They don’t sleep well, they ache for respite, but none is in sight. They make & bake & sell & stress & smile still hopelessly devoted to their dream….and then you piss on their parade every waking moment, hissing insults, massaging their shoulders, calming them down, taking care of the little ones, demanding satisfaction for your loneliness as you watch movies & relax, shaking the service bell when your thirst needs quenching or your belly needs food. Hurling crass words around like a hoola hoop. And….we toil, we sing, we shake our hips as the vibe on the radio pushes us on, as we measure, as we calculate, as we circumvent a problem that’s suddenly sprung up. Just to watch as your mood shifts up & down when the liquor races through your veins into your brain & derives upon a thought contemplating whether you should spew venom or soft soap your agenda. 

Its awkward when you have to look at yourself in the mirror when something went wrong. Your fault being that you were so afraid of a past experience, that if you had trusted you could’ve saved yourself a whole lot if trouble. Pity I didn’t trust & chose fear! My heart aches today when I realise some people want you to fail! There is a family of venom who etches away at my resolve everyday, I admit I hate them, I pray to God to help me forgive. I find it difficult. I’m a nasty person it seems, I’m sorry I try so hard not to be. I’m not horrible inside, I’m just so pained today. Not for myself but for a client whom I disappointed partly. She had saved hard for her Hubby’s birthday & my weakness to get my debtors to pay their bill, led to me not finishing everything I was supposed to. In the manner we had agreed. I chose to have her pay only a deposit & I would cover the rest so she could trust me. Her family had trust issues, I wanted so hard to prove I’m not a con. But….though I’m not, I failed to deliver on my promise. She is hurt. 

I’m sulking, berating myself for my stupidity, trusting that a client who  owed me money would pay up readily as promised. This happened 16h20 Friday afternoon. An hour before I was due to leave to deliver to my client & her party. I feel some people are willing to order & eat and when they need to pay, they feel contempt in parting with their money. I will no longer be doing any further sales to my neighbours, who I feel have no respect for me or my family business. 

I worked too hard, sacrificed too much, to fail. I can’t fail I won’t fail. I need to properly take care of my business & my clients, who ultimately put food on my table, food very necessary, so I may not be accused of forcing my children to starve… 
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Hindsight

Unmoored

So to my personal platform I come… 

Its bin a month of ups & downs. A few actually. 

You know when you set out to overcome hurdles & despite your resolve it seems the road dips very low. In fact in celebrating Freedom Day & the upcoming Workers Day its been pretty unsteady, you know the kind where you keep holding onto the ground & it keeps slipping under you. Almost as if you thought you arrived but it was only a dream. 

The thing that’s kept me focused, the one physical thing has been cooking. Making a melody of fillings for pies, etc… The notes never faltering, the flavour precisely what you’d had on your tongue… 

We had a cancellation after we’d started a new order.. I took my stand. This gave me much confidence, for my first collision with a negative client left me feeling completely deflated back in March and though that person keeps posting horrid comments on my posts, I breathe, I pray for Sustainance. The kind that builds up your willpower & cloaks you.

Turmoil is what aches in my dreams, we have hands guided by our hearts. These hands of mine & Jade’s, swollen at times with the effects of sugar or the acidity of lemon, potato or onion peeling doesn’t diminish our aspirations to successfully build relationships with our clientele. These people are so warm, generous of spirit, mind- blowingly kind, that it irks me when someone so cruel – selfish – infantile – deceptive – vain – narcissistic, tries every couple of weeks to rattle our dream and not just any dream…  But the one where we become completely independent of our environment….that has been motivation number 1….number 2…

We have discovered since June last year how beautiful it is to shape someone’s vision. Yes we had a bad run with the wedding drama in March but your constant badgering, defaming, dishonest floating out of control moral compass to save mankind, with your so called community consumer watchdog” facebook smeering campaign would have been justified were we solely responsible for its failure. ⌚⌚🗽⏳. Time and time again the truth sets you free in such a way, that any action from a venemous heart will record empty results, people are not blind or deaf, they have an innate sense of someone’s character, aura, spirit….it is the Shepherd who watches the flock so to speak. 

Get behind me Satan.. 

I will fall..

But I will get up…

Unmoored our actions may sometimes be, but conscience is an anchor that holds my hand so I may act always without negligence, dishonesty, reason or vanity.  

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