Home in my Kitchen 

Indifference

Inheritance

This is a conclusion to Visiting my memory wall & Forward, the lack of heart, released 13 September 2019

I’ve been thinking about this for awhile now.

Humans – ” to err is human”

…Some of us dont see cos of the plank in our eyes

some of us remain hidden behind other peoples misdemeanors, to prevent some1 else from seeing our Agenda,

as we disregard the dignity of another….

as we contrive to trample the ailing of A child left bereft, by the last strand of action by its MOTHER, who has never been given sustenance by the very who insult her name.

So I care not for acceptance,cos I have no shame, I’m encouraged to seek forgiveness as I bear my own Pain, of a women left with nothing, but her calculating mind, to decide what would better make a difference in time as she journeys thru this path no longer restless, no longer denied, to make sure what must happen……will….

I Will remind, those who challenge a women to make do with the scraps of uncertainty- TO REMEMBER THAT SHE WAS NEVER GIVEN AN OUNCE OF THE TRUTH AS YOU SMILED AND ENTERTAINED HER WHEN YOU PRETENDED HER WORTH……….

Many things have happened in the past couple of weeks.

I’ve witnessed the lack of respect, accountability, responsibility from a group of people hell-bent on their own agenda.

I never thought I’d see how a mother sided with her children when they were wrong, how she switched off her conscience for their satisfaction. How this entire group had no remorse for their actions, they just moved on and found a new source of resources to forward their dreams, despite the repercussions this had for my two sons as part of this team. They needed revenge, and boy have they played it.

I’m at a point where we have to start from scratch to rebuild our resources, our lives, to concentrate on improving the quality of disappointment, change to a new lane with hope & faith intact.

The problem is this:

Some very delicate and sensitive issues have been uncovered.

I don’t know how to get justice, yes justice for my son’s who have been left out in the cold.

My eldest is in the middle of an incident which has plagued him for the past 3 months while in this team. He unearthed a very itchy situation which took place between some team members.

It is of a sexual nature.

A 16 year old girl performed oral sex on an almost 21 year old guy. She is the granddaughter of his coach.

A 17 year old girl was fondled without consent by a 19 year old guy who has no respect for boundaries. She is the girlfriend of my eldest, who wasn’t present at the time. The above occurred at a sleepover at 19 year old’s parents house. The mothers are in denial.

Now that the incident has been exposed, my eldest has been harassed by all the male lifters as a snitch who made up entire incident so his girlfriend doesn’t get to go to the upcoming December competition. The truth is it sucks!!!!🤔 Why should 2 male lifters who sexually used two girl’s be allowed to participate in a event that speaks of upholding values, builds character, when clearly they have double standards and their coach by he’s actions says it’s ok, as long as they deny it. Please someone am making a mountain out of a mole hill? As such these are regarded as false allegations.

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Sunday (April fool in Easter)

Toxic

Tis the season of this passionate Lent is closing….

For me it is the most important & most trying time of the year. The devil’s at work, always….

He works through many humans and the beast comes out to play with great intent. I bet he laughs at how we manage our relationships with others. Especially, how we manage the strained one’s. You know what I’m talking about- the held breathe, the rolling of the eyes, the constipated laugh or smile, the exhibition of welcome that we all know is fake….

All in the name of restitution!!!!

Restore what you may ask? Well you’re alone in restoring broken promises, shattered dreams, wilted dignity, echoing loneliness, reverberating selfishness – these are the remnants of Lent!

The Heart of our Home is cold, disheartening, shallow, mismanaged, it’s constancy measured by the challenging daily routine of “is there any to eat”? Why do you just make nice things for customers”? I want something lekka, with all your baking, why’s there never anything for us”? ” I don’t know what to do”! ” I can’t, I dunno why”! No one listens to me! I’m not respected in this house! The list goes on…..

These remnants, reflect in the screeching Crying, the insolence, the sheepish smiles, the sullenness of demeanor, everyday come what may, it is there gnawing & nitpicking, an endless song, you know the one – it serves to irk you silently driving you insane, when all you want to do is slam it with a hammer.

Home has become an atmosphere of indifference, of the individual, family unimportant, insignificant & a bore. Pity….

Too much time is spent on trivial arguments which only seek to validate the ” I’m” important, singular, an island far in the distance, so I may hold no responsibility for my actions, no remorse for my guilt…..

Lessons are imparted sometimes in vain, obviously it’s up to the taught to action what makes sense to them. This too is a pity, arrogance begets loneliness in those times when you least expect it….

I hope for you this Easter, its birth will bring inspiration to live your lives always with vision, for our journey is never as we plan.We know change arises like mist on the mornings break, beckoning us to breathe in its promise Urging us to untie that which knots us up Releasing over us an invisible shield,which harnesses only good to our path,defending our Deeds,protecting our Souls!

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I wish I was a Super Star

Disappear

I wish I was a little bit stronger! I wish I was taller! – not original yeah, lyrics to some song I forget the title! 

I do wish I was a super star, the nightlight that reflects upon the sky, neighbouring the big bright moon! Yes, I want to hang with big guns, I am no Chef, I am no Baker!

Will this stop me from trying to be the best as I can be? Never! I have this relentless drive, though hindered by fatigue, that drives me, myself & I completely batty. My folks & children too. They tire themselves helping me live a dream I have yet to  awaken from. 

My folks both God willing close to 66 years & my kids 4 to 24 yrs have always walked my path with me, not forgetting my siblings, only our Lord knows what they see in me- a sister, a leader, a force to be reckoned with, absolutely a force of nature! A soft inner, a strong will,  coated in a resilient tensile steel garment of love,  very powerful against all or any outside forces, not a lapdog kind of love but a seriously driven hardcore energy that ignites my partner’s chagrin, my children’s admiration & many unceasing prayers from my folks & siblings- these human beings know me completely, though wish I would find what I’m searching for….

I’m not perfect, oh I sometimes mess up a recipe don’t ask me why! I know what works, I know what I want to achieve, what palatable morsel will make for a satisfied client, what time frame I need, do I tweak here and there? Yes, often I admit,  and it pays off, all except once when I need it to be perfect!  Then the walls come crushing down and I ask myself : Jennifer how did you possibly mess this up, it’s ridiculous, not possible!!! I talk here about silly mistakes or even trusting enough to sacrifice so much too much. 

Well it happens, it irks me but it happens…

Now I have a question? 

When you make a mistake, how long and to what degree must you be held hostage to this mistake, surely it is miniscule in comparison to say – abuse, theft, immorality, murder, disrespect, indifference, destructive behavior.

Will the intensity of these deliberate actions disappear in the face of my personal dilemmas? 

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Sunday ( a late April fool) 

Thwart

Happy Easter, the Lord is Risen! Tis our Season of Forgiveness & Change. I was wondering what to pen, these came to mind. The Passion of pain, gratitude, kindness & sacrifice far outways the hot-cross buns, the spicy fish, the craving for meat or the feast of Easter lunch! It unearths & uproots you from your sweet-tooth, that mellow sense of wellbeing & tackles the bottom drawer that we tuck away, holding in it things we need to deal with, but aren’t quite ready. This season of Lent has opened up alota inroads of thought, my thoughts stem from many places that lead me to you… I pray for your pain that it may ease.. I pray for your forgiveness, that it may be fair.. I pray for your happiness, that it may have longlife.. I pray for your time, that it may outlive me.. I pray for your dreams, that it will never stop.. I pray for your hopes, that they will caress your aching need to surface from life’s storms.. I pray for your love, that it’l awaken in others a desire to care without reservation.. Lastly I pray for your soul, for your conscience, that it may always guide your actions no matter the lack of it in others…


Above is all I feel now as Easter has passed…

Marrying it to this word prompt, today Sunday after the resurrection, I thought of all the times my action, my resolve, my dreams, have been thwarted by the reflection of my environment. The head has no heart, it cuts, refuses, rejects all change ..

This 7 year itch is motivated by guilt, deceit, ego, bitterness & tons of envy, a narcissistic envy for what could have been… 

Its too late…

The moment is gone…

You can recall memories but you cannot bring them back! You can’t take back a word, an insult or emotional injury you caused & historically have no intention of restitution. Just a simple act of conscience. A place where you right the wrongs, no instead you thwart every action, every reconciliation, every step in the right direction only so you may egotistically( very drunkenly) justify your actions as an unconscious act of pain, long suffering pain of your losses, your bereavement, your dashed hopes or unaccomplished dreams! 

 Do you know that they too have dreams & aspirations? One of them close to my heart, is that you will wake up one day and not have to feel the promise of desertion by those little people who call you their sperm donar, the ones who aimlessly await a tiny connection, a look in their direction that is sincere & honourable.


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Invisible Line

Branch

There is more to what you cannot see. We often get told this. Branches could be attached physically, emotionally, subconsciously, through DNA, thoughts, common ground, similar interests, etc.

Well I’ve reached a point where I know I can picture beyond all this,  but getting to trust that there is a beyond is an issue. You may seem confused now, but these branches reach out from a solid base that started somewhere. 

When different people live or work together, often what drew them together ends up pulling them apart. Look I’m at a crossroad, many things have happened, many feelings have surfaced, new info has come to light, so my branch network has left me deflated, determined, exhausted, etc. 

I write, I feel, I think, and yet I see nothing, I have tried, really its frustrating, to encourage, to teach, to instill but…it has made no impact. 6 years has had no effect, on this family. Living in an abyss, that is how we roll. We know right from wrong and yet our choices are still lacking in morality & even integrity. My 4 year old is one of the most disobedient, rude, sometimes intolerable pestilence around. I love him,y Elijah but our branch, our connection is cracked or fractured. I thank my love, the dad for this. He is the most promising person I know, really he promises consistently to make amends, to improve his manners, to act responsibly and its tiresome & irritating as its the most untrustworthy piece of BS. I laugh when I think about this world we walk around in, its so drunk & unbelievable at times. 

I got used to him working away but I now detest that he’s going to be home weekends, I wish he were the same man of years ago who would only arrive home in time to eat, sleep, and get up for work the next day! Am I a mad woman? I love this man & I have found myself wishing he was somewhere else. You know its easy to chat on the phone every evening catching up, its calm, its smooth, we can talk freely & seem as if we’re reaching a compromise and then boom! the weekend comes & I fall to pieces because the truth becomes a lie. I want recognition, he wants pampering, how? is he the only damn person who worked the entire week, who needs attention? 

I feel whether its business, personal, family, friendship or such there isn’t a different scale of values, it should be equal. The way you run your business, should be a reflection of your inner self, your spirit. 

So how have I become a Jekyll & Hyde? I’m soothing, responsible, loving, disciplined, I have vision, I’m an encouraging person, I’m dependable and then….. I curse, vent, shout, lie, pretend, hate. And then I feel again- warm, motivated, excited…. 

About a branch that isn’t even rooted to anything I can see…I can’t see trust, loyalty, values, morals- they are invisible lines that connect like branches to a thought, a vision, a culture. This doesn’t exist where I live. 

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Year End 2017

Finally

The last time I penned my thoughts, it was 3 months ago. It was a dark time. Home life had a huge impact on my business. Did I say it was a dark time?

I’ve been watching a number of family movies of late. They have all the answers, all the scenarios with they’re many solutions. At least it seems so. Well I have been wrong many times in my life and when my folks questioned and answered my insanity this past week, I got the answers I sought. My business didn’t fail, it isn’t failing, it is thriving. Despite my anger, my worry, my blessed Joshua, my first born, whom I love so deeply, who is a reflection of my heart, though its frustrated and pained, has been by my side urging me on, baking many batches of beautiful love, soaking up the hardness & indifference surrounding my fragile ego and giving me an embrace of forgiveness and love I trust so implicitly, more than myself, that all the time I wasted concentrating on the negative of the past 3 months, cannot replace the pride I have in having the best family in the world. My parents Amos & Carol Ann van Schoor, who still baby me, their first born, I need it, don’t ask me why at age 45 , but I still need my parents, I dread a future without them. My boys Joshua & Adrian, my heart & soul. My daughter Jade, who has suffered most of my pain, because I want her to never experience a future of hardship, I hope I have not ruined her sense of self, her warmth, I hope I have not ruined our future as mother and daughter. My youngest Xavier & Elijah. I don’t think God meant for us to live separately, I still have an opportunity to have an impact on their lives, I pray I have lots of time to experience their journey. Finally my grandson Zachary, it will always be etched in my memory, watching his birth, watching him grow since now almost a year later, he reminds me always of Josh, his spirit is the same, makes my heart ache with love so sweetly, I need to allow his Mom Jade to find her own place in the mothers hall of fame, gently coaxing, not criticising as we all endeavour with love, hope, faith, grit, strength and a fresh start to 2018.

God bless you and your families and may you have many precious memories in 2018.

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