In a Shadow 


Winter has been very cold. The warmth has come from my kitchen. This house has no heat, except what I extract from it, or rather what I put into it. 

The shimmer was lost on me, I don’t doll myself up. I don’t wear make up. I live in my work uniform. Usually I would shine on a Sunday, but I don’t anymore, its wasted on my partner, who prefers to tell me how he’d like me to look, as opposed to loving every part of me including my lovely leather apron he bought Me…

It has a way of creating a chasm in our home. It reminds him I aim to make my kitchen a centrepiece of our lives. My kitchen is after all my stage and I am its Diva. I love cooking and baking and it irks him that I have a space he cannot compete with. He can’t, it brings me so much joy, he can’t ever win.. Sadly he compensates with shimmering flow, i don’t partake as I made a choice long ago I would not be her. I won’t sacrifice my spirit for meaningless banter over a shot of something. Sorry but banter is supposed to be light, airy, free, bright & happy. Not nitpick, insult, groan, envy & contemptuous. 

I wash my hair, he says it looks better when its dirty. I wear a dress he looks, then walks away without a word. It struck me tonight after he spent hours outside drinking in his car, that you can’t compete with the shimmer of a drink. Illusion is perception in its shadow. He trots in and expects attention I halfheartedly give, if only to keep him away from our 3 year old who doesn’t deal well with intoxication. 

This beautiful sibling of our 4 other children, the youngest, is bold like me. He doesn’t back down and cower in the face of a adversity. He is stubborn, bright & lives everyday to the fullest. He does have vices- he uses foul language, is demanding, busy, craves attention….

This Sunday like all the others is just an end to a cycle we rewind every week and redo again. ” I’m sorry, I have stress, I don’t like crying, I need to get somewhere, I don’t understand, I don’t want to be here, I can’t watch a movie if you people talk, I want what I want now, I don’t care- a man is a man, I told you not to do that, I will change if you stop nagging….

Shimmer until you illuminate this space and ignite with flame your dreams, don’t despair, your candle has a wick that can burn as long as you keep it lit. 
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