Grab your Dreams

Distant

I popped in to get perspective.

A sabbatical is a holiday away from routine, from work right? To rest, gather yourself & start anew? This could last anything between 2 months & a year. 

Now what happens if you do this & your family has to suffer? The very women you insult & oppress, curb, ridicule, cage in? They feed our family. They toil hopelessly in love with their fare, waiting patiently to reach a target. They don’t sleep well, they ache for respite, but none is in sight. They make & bake & sell & stress & smile still hopelessly devoted to their dream….and then you piss on their parade every waking moment, hissing insults, massaging their shoulders, calming them down, taking care of the little ones, demanding satisfaction for your loneliness as you watch movies & relax, shaking the service bell when your thirst needs quenching or your belly needs food. Hurling crass words around like a hoola hoop. And….we toil, we sing, we shake our hips as the vibe on the radio pushes us on, as we measure, as we calculate, as we circumvent a problem that’s suddenly sprung up. Just to watch as your mood shifts up & down when the liquor races through your veins into your brain & derives upon a thought contemplating whether you should spew venom or soft soap your agenda. 

Its awkward when you have to look at yourself in the mirror when something went wrong. Your fault being that you were so afraid of a past experience, that if you had trusted you could’ve saved yourself a whole lot if trouble. Pity I didn’t trust & chose fear! My heart aches today when I realise some people want you to fail! There is a family of venom who etches away at my resolve everyday, I admit I hate them, I pray to God to help me forgive. I find it difficult. I’m a nasty person it seems, I’m sorry I try so hard not to be. I’m not horrible inside, I’m just so pained today. Not for myself but for a client whom I disappointed partly. She had saved hard for her Hubby’s birthday & my weakness to get my debtors to pay their bill, led to me not finishing everything I was supposed to. In the manner we had agreed. I chose to have her pay only a deposit & I would cover the rest so she could trust me. Her family had trust issues, I wanted so hard to prove I’m not a con. But….though I’m not, I failed to deliver on my promise. She is hurt. 

I’m sulking, berating myself for my stupidity, trusting that a client who  owed me money would pay up readily as promised. This happened 16h20 Friday afternoon. An hour before I was due to leave to deliver to my client & her party. I feel some people are willing to order & eat and when they need to pay, they feel contempt in parting with their money. I will no longer be doing any further sales to my neighbours, who I feel have no respect for me or my family business. 

I worked too hard, sacrificed too much, to fail. I can’t fail I won’t fail. I need to properly take care of my business & my clients, who ultimately put food on my table, food very necessary, so I may not be accused of forcing my children to starve… 
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