Today, I woke too early. Thankfully my Elijah decided we could take an extra nap. Much needed, haven’t slept well in weeks.
Today Sunday, a sadness has crept into my spirit. I miss so many people, especially those who are no longer a phone call away. I find when I have unrest inside, he always pops into visit. I still haven’t gotten used to it. The dead don’t visit. They are on another Plain. He’s favourite music plays in my ear and I hear his voice. I see him strumming the guitar and singing with emotion. It leaves me sad that he passed on years ago and I wish I had the opportunity to do things for him in a better way. More patiently, with more understanding for how he felt as a man who was no longer able to stroke my hair or kiss me gently, or lift a glass to sip some water. He succumbed gently to the consequences of Motor Neurone Disease at 39. I was left a widow at age 30. I look back and wish I had the same vital list of things you do to make family life work. We never had many bad times and we weren’t the perfect husband and wife but I am eternally grateful that he was in my life. That he took notice of the little things so much so, that he comes back every time to encourage me to remember the many things he taught me. The many moments in our relationship when things could’ve have turned out bad but they didn’t, because he was a man of reason, honour, strength, hope. He grew up independent of his parents and siblings, instead lived with his maternal aunt and uncle, who are also no longer with us. He didn’t want to move to Johannesburg, preferred Cape Town.
So when I’m down and my world is unhappy and unfair, he pitches up and just sits looking at me. Calmly, concerned, gently waiting until I get up and breakdown with such remorse that isn’t necessary but I feel it anyway…..and I close myself up and refuse to share my warmth with this world inside these walls….
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